Wednesday, February 9, 2011

In the edge of depression

I think I'm gonna die.

It's funny how God thinks u can handle one problem and giving u another problem.

It's funny how God believes u can take it.

It's funny how I think, no God, u must be wrong today, coz this is too much.

First, I got info from my mom that I'm not gonna placed at Puskesmas B, because one of the 'important person' has a daughter, who also CPNS like me, and he asked BKD to move his daughter to this Puskesmas B. That's sucks.

And then, I opened twitter, and suddenly I read one of my friend status, that she got pregnant. She's pregnant now. Crap.


I'm gonna die.

See, me and her, together we've been facing the reality that we're already married for a year, but still not pregnant.

Now, she's pregnant, and I just feel soo..alone. I'm alone who's not normal here. I'm the only one who has this bad luck for not getting pregnant.

I'm all alone.

Here's the thing, I feel like I'm really a jerk.

I've unfollowed one of my friend, coz she's gonna deliver her baby. (Yeah, that's envious, I can't stand). But hell it is, she took a pic of her baby, and make it as display pic so, one day, I see the baby.

....I'm so jealous, the baby is so cute, I wanna be a mom too.....

And I'm avoiding seeing any friends who got married recently. I'm afraid they'll post status like : "I'm pregnant now." It's just killing me.


I'm avoiding facebook for 2 days. I'm just that afraid to face the reality. I even didn't congratulate my friend who just delivered her baby. I envy her that much. Being pregnant is not that hard for her.

But for me, I've to take many medicines, and hurt by the reality that another woman won't be this hard to be a mom.


I can't make peace to myself.
I can't face the reality that I've to wait.
I can't take it, I can't accept the fact that some people throw away their babies.
I can't accept the fact that God can be that 'unfair' to me.
And I'm talking to God through my prayer, what have I done? What's wrong with me? What do u want me to do,God?


I'm feeling so bad rite now, coz I'm yelling to my husband. I blame him for this condition. I've to blame somebody here, but suddenly I feel so bad. I can't blame God, coz it's a sin. I just have to understand why not me, God? I just have to find the answer myself. It's sucks.

Just now, he asked me to buy a frozen yoghurt together. He knows how I love froyo. He's not mad, he knows I'm just too stressed out. He lets me writing what shit come from my mind, to this blog. He knows I have to do it.


Rite now, I need to make peace to myself.
And wait, until the time comes for me, to be a mom.


*still trying to smile*

Sent from my AXIS Worry Free BlackBerry® smartphone

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